Time and little things
I find my relationship with time during this quarantine is a combination of fuzzy unfocused lollygagging with stress or without, feeling the effects of our collective trauma and on good days being focused, motivated and getting things done on my list. Some days I remember who I am and what I need to do, some days not. Examining this back and forth experience of time, I was thinking about the Latin American “manana~” ..the loose relationship to showing up punctually. When you are in a place where there is little work, little reward, little opportunity and little reason to hustle, it is easy to remain unmotivated and put off until tomorrow what can easily be delayed today.There was a piece on NPR radio recently that described a Brazilian slang that translated into “British punctuality.” Apparently in Brazil, you need to clarify this, in your group, if you are asking people to be on time.Without structure it is easy to fall into the void of nebulous feelings. Faced with our own inefficiency and lack of purpose, it is easy to lose bearing and self worth.In moments of anxiety, I exercise my brain to regain my mooring, rewiring it by being Thankful and assessing what I am feeling, seeing, hearing and smelling, in essence coming back into the moment.My relationship with myself without external demands is a blessing and a burden. Letting it all go, I haven’t brushed my hair in weeks, relating to all of those jokes about being in pajamas all day, I dream about retirement. Retirement? I never thought I would want to get there. There is a temporary freedom in not having to answer the phone, attend to details, or pay bills. Part of me is really loving the break from the routine …my rat race and the concrete jungle. I am loving the quiet and the clean air. I am loving the time I have to enjoy the spring flowers, the morning, sleeping and waking without thought of having to be somewhere in the day. I am loving it.I can sequester at home comfortably..for awhile..I do itch to get back to work. Some days I am so freakin’ bored with the whole virus thing..I am tired of the response, the lack of response, the inefficiency, the lying, the selfishness and greed, the stupidity, the division, the lack of imagination above all…. and the lack of heart. I am so f*cking bored of it all…some days.
My quixotic heart is hoping for the turn toward love for humanity. The media prognosticates about recession, loss, increased security and government control. I yearn for the lessons that unite us in caring for each other and the Earth… all of her creatures.
To a certain extent I am a detail junkie. But these days I find my bandwidth for most details and media is limited. I scan for truth but find little of it, sometimes happening upon gems of useful information or something that speaks to my heart.
In essence, my mind and heart are all over the place these days. I give myself permission to be efficient some days and useless other days. The “useless” days are really just part of the recovery time..part of the emotional recovery needed to digest all the changes. I recommend you be gentle with yourself and others. Everyone’s bandwidths are stretched with sudden transformation. We are all doing the work of transformation whether we realize it or not. You are doing a lot by doing little.
Time for inner tuning up. If you can manage your thoughts a little better you are winning the war of the monkey mind. If you can be gentle in times of stress you are conquering your fear. Little things are everything in this time.