Contemplating Grief and Loss
My Dear Life long friend Conrad Kubiak passed recently.
Here are my thoughts on grieving loss....
Grief is inconsolable....The heavy weight envelopes. You can’t leave it. It keeps you connected to the one you’ve lost. Distraction is good. All of a sudden, the void descends…cognitive dissonance, tension in your head.. pain in your heart …You can’t buy your way out of it..or drink your way out of it or eat away the pain or numb it away..not really.
You may have hunger. One that cannot be fulfilled. You may binge on food or drink or work. Your sense of nurturing and being nurtured has been wounded. It hits our gut. Or it may hit our hearts or head..It may activate our dormant pain body..Part of our webbed connection to life.. has been disconnected.. We can’t recognize how much they nourished us until they have passed. Our connection was an unrecognized support, a source of spiritual abundance, maybe taken for granted until we feel its loss.
How and where do we find comfort and keep going? We look for comfort……. but the hole is unfullfillable. It will be a spiritual comfort that we need. Someday it will come.
You might feel numb and lack hunger. Still wanting something to soothe you. Having people bring food so you don’t have to cook seems merciful. You can’t focus on anything. You are consumed with grief.
Company of dear friends and family is helpful.
Pain is all of you.. Heart strings have been severed. You are raw.
“Here today…. gone tomorrow” …Trauma and shock …the sudden loss is jolting. If your loved one died quickly, going
un-expectedly, being caught by surprise at the end, leaves little time for preparation. How can we prepare?
We might feel as if they were not ready, caught unaware of their ultimate date. There must be moments between the shock of the unexpected guest and the surrender to death. How were those moments? Filled with regret or acceptance? How long did it take? How painful was it? How long did they hold on?
If your loved one suffered long with illness or pain before death..then death comes with relief. But wounding happens none the less, for the ones left behind. How much did we suffer watching them suffer?
The physical death and those un-glamorous details, imagining death processes… the moments leading up to and after death…we worry about them..We experience fear of the unknown and our own discomfort with the details. We are linked with them, we feel it too and we experience fear!
We worry about their judgement day, their unfinished business, their regrets, their life review with the judgement of heaven. We hope that they are released, relieved and reunited, held in love, grace and redemption.
The fear of the unknown, if your loved died alone, that solitary sense of poverty creates guilt in us ..Perhaps dying is meant to be accompanied by a village… just as birthing and growing.
I begin to understand sitting shiva.. sitting, contemplating, remembering a life. Creating dedicated time for spiritual and emotional healing… A time for communal remembrance. A time to recall a life, all of the details, every nuance of conversation and event. Finding comfort while searching for meaning and connection.
How do we not hurt ourselves for them?
How do we not carry the burden of their pain or their life’s plan? How can we minimize our unnecessary suffering.? How can we let go of the guilt of feeling no guilt about trying to minimize our suffering?
How do we let go of the pain and stay connected through love?
How do we stay connected through love?
Not only have you lost someone you loved..But
then the realization hits that you. You have lost someone that loved you. The loss of that love may hit us in another way as another loss another abandonment.
But one day you will find a bit of comfort..perhaps relaxing into God’s plan. Letting the beloved go in some little way..allowing the grief to pass enough to feel some comfort and relief in your body that calls you to that place more..You grieve with friends and family and find comfort..You remember their smile and the magic of their life. You realize they no longer suffer the weight of this world. You hear a song or see a bird or butterfly that lets you know they are there with you..You begin to celebrate their life and the meaning you shared. Shared memories and love in community helps the sorrow go.
You may shift your grief into prayers for them..sending energies for wishing them on their way..Prayers for transitioning and walking with the angels…lighting candles..surrounding yourself with photos and mementos of your shared life or lives..or life..Is it one or many?.
We will lose all of those that were precious to us..or we will go leaving others to grieve first.
We are left to love this life for all it has given us.. all the pain and suffering… hopefully leaving any bitterness for the pile of things to be consumed by the fire of time. We are here for a brief visit, a short glimmer of life’s dance and celebration. At last we put down our body and return to the great transformation cycle..the great substance sustenance and energy that created us..We lay down our bones and go back to the Earth..Our spirit and energies travel wide..as vibration into the ethers and down the blood line, if sewn. We give thanks for our life. We honor our friends and loved ones. We pray for their deliverance and may we all rest in peace and love!